Drawing Straws
by Grav
Summary: We, uh, we drew straws. I lost. - - - In which souls are searched, questions are asked and straws are drawn.
1. Default Chapter

AN:  I suppose this story was bound to get itself written eventually.  I'm something of a "since I met you" junkie after all, and even if this isn't one of the most pleasant utterances. . . 

Spoilers: Shades of Gray

Disclaimer: If I had any right to Stargate SG-1, I would pitch the idea for the novella I am writing and make some money off of it.  Since I don't you get this instead.

Summary: "We, uh, we drew straws.  I lost."

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~Drawing Straws~

"Someone should go see him."

"I do not think that is a wise course of action, Daniel Jackson.  Colonel O'Neill clearly has no desire to see us."

"But. . ."

"Think about it Daniel, do you want to be the one who goes?"

"No.  Not really."

It hung there between the three of them  Suddenly, Daniel sprang to his feet.  Sam and Teal'c looked at him, surprised.  Daniel Jackson did not customarily have such an authoritative expression on his face.

"We draw straws."

~Long Straw~

I know now how Apophis must have felt.  I wonder if, in the heart I am unconvinced he had, he cried out in a small voice "How could you do this to me?".  I have been the betrayer, and I justified my actions by convincing myself that this man, this O'Neill and the people he represented would save my people, save me from my false god.

So I turned my back on the being I was still partially convinced was responsible for my existence and began a quest with strangers to destroy him.  And I knew I was right.  For three years I have followed him, risked my life for him, risked those I love for him, because I thought his people would save mine.

I could not believe then, what he said to General Hammond.  I have been in some form of the military for my entire life, and I know that certain things are not done.  Did the Jaffa under my command feel similarly incredulous?  Am I so different from O'Neill?  I betrayed to save my people, and he believes he is doing the same thing.  I see General Hammond struggle.  Did Apophis struggle?  Did some small part of him sympathize?

I have never doubted my decision until that moment.  I have been the betrayer. Now I know what it is to be betrayed.

Long straw.  I am a coward, and I think I hate him for that.

~Long Straw~

"Sir is there anything I can do?"

_Keep it out of your eyes Samantha.  You have beautiful eyes, but you need to control them or you'll never keep any secrets at all.  And believe me, Sam, you'll need secrets to get you through basic training_.  More than basic training, dad.  Secrets became my life.

"About what?"

It had become something of my slogan.  Keep it out of your eyes and they'll never know what you're thinking.  He'll never know what you feel.

"With due respect, sir, you haven't been acting like yourself lately."

There were still times when they betray me.  Times like when I work for three months to stage a rescue that breaks several of the laws of physics, and barely get a thank you.  Times when I offer everything I can only to be taken for granted.  

"No, Carter, I haven't been acting like myself since I met you.  Now I'm acting like myself."

Today was worse.  For reasons that are not allowed to happen, and thus cannot be explained.  Damn him.

Long straw.  Thank God.

~Short Straw~

It won't be so bad.  It's only Jack, after all.  Jack at his most arrogant and least likely to listen, to be sure, but I can handle that.  If I have to.

I mean really, what could he possibly say?  He's my friend.  He'll talk to me.  Unlike Teal'c, I respond.  Unlike Sam, I respond in ways he can cope with.  Unlike Hammond he can say things to me that provoke a response.  But I don't want to have to do this.

For all we didn't exactly get off on the right foot, we managed to find common ground.  Although, I suppose technically, it would be common space.  I didn't understand him and he didn't understand me, and we still don't, but there are significant levels of respect between us.  Or, there were until this morning anyway.

Because now I am terrified that I don't know him as well as I thought.  And if I don't know him as well as I thought, then he might actually be capable of what he just did.  And if he is actually capable of what he just did, is he still my friend?

I think I am beginning to understand why my rambling annoys him so much.

Short straw.  Damn karma.

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AN: Well, once again I wrote something that went exactly not where I planned it.  Sam was supposed to be the gut wrenching one, and instead I ended up with _Teal'c_!  It must be quite the spiritual crisis though, when you stop and think about it.  Still, it was by far the easiest one to write (although once Daniel got going, it was very hard to shut him up), and I think I like Teal'c POV.

What did you think?


	2. Chapter 2

AN: This section was the original "Drawing Straws", but after I finished writing it, I realized how much more fun it would be to do the same scene from Sam's perspective, and then write one for Daniel and another for Teal'c, so it got shelved. I found it yesterday, and I still love it, so I decided to just tack it on the end. Plus, I think Jack deserves some sympathy.  
  
........................  
  
She's on my six. Because she's always ready to protect me.  
  
"Sir, is there anything I can do?"  
  
God Major, don't make this any harder.  
  
"About what?"  
  
Please Carter, for once in your life give up on a lost cause.  
  
"Well, with all due respect you haven't been acting like yourself lately."  
  
Damn it Sam! Of all the times to lose your telepathy.  
  
"No Carter, I haven't been acting like myself since I met you. Now I'm acting like myself."  
  
Oh, I wish I was dead. No, she should be able to kill me.  
  
She should at least get that.  
  
........................  
  
AN: And hey, inadvertantly, I have written my first drabble. Should I have left it on the shelf? 


End file.
